We’re very excited that our weekly show, “Gandhi is that You?” is going to be in the New York Comedy Festival. This Wednesday at 9:00!!
Forget Halloween, these might be the scariest costumes you see this fall. The Taiwanese government recently unveiled their new Special Forces armor, and it’s pretty terrifying. The new uniforms feature bulletproof armor and a ballistic face mask that make soldiers look like a villain in a horror movie.
The armor is supposed to protect against close range shots. When the soldiers line up and march, it’s hard not to think they look like a Star Wars clone army.
This guy could scare a lot of kids on Halloween. Don’t ask for candy from this man!
Not Taiwan’s army, but close.
(Source: Rocket News 24 )
As my last post in this very fun #LETSTALKBUMS campaign to make everyone sure everyone gets their s*it right (HEHE), I want to talk more about Cottonelle’s Fresh Care Flushable Cleansing Wipes. In my last post, I mainly focused on times when the wipes would come in handy specifically for #2 related matters but lets talk outside the bum. Remember that the wipes are good for so many different dirty and uncomfortable situations.
For example, I recently house sat an amazingly cute puppy dog, let’s call him “Pee Paws,” and if anyone has ever watched a puppy, you know that they have the tendency to pee on everything even things they already peed on. And this little guy would pee on top of his pee then then step on it and come over and jump on me. That’s one of those moments where you want to laugh and cry at the same time. If I had the Cottonelle wipes, I would have made him wear them as shoes so this would not keep happening. Then from that moment, I would start calling him, “White Cloth Magic Feet,”which sounds like a nickname a Native American would give a white guy who is good at basketball but it would work perfectly for this puppy.
I am an insanely sloppy eater. I set records. When I would go to dances in high school, my friends would sit and just wait for me to drop 12 ribs on my brand new suit, and laugh as the waiter sprints to get club soda to fix the stain or a torch to burn my clothes. It’s not that I just drop stuff on my clothes too. I also have a tendency to get an astonishing amount of food all over my face and hands, like a new born baby who is also drunk. In all of these instances Cottonelle wipes would be a tremendous help. That is why I’m going to start carrying them where ever I go, whether it’s good ole’ Pee Paws or anytime I touch food to my face.
Check out our friend Cherry Healey talking more with people about Cottonelle and their bum habits. Also check us out at #LETSTALKBUMS for more funny videos, posts and comments.
We’re having a lot of fun talking about the ole behind for Cottonelle at #LetsTalkBums so let’s keep this number two party going. As part of Cottonelle’s very effective Care Routine is their very efficient and helpful Fresh Care Flushable Cleansing Wipes. So here are a list of events, historical and present when having Cotonelle’s resourceful wipes can definitely come in handy.
1) Oregon Trail-Anyone who played this amazing game probably had their wife die due to some terrible infection that could have been avoided with the Cleansing Wipes. And if you’re wife died in a river, just remember that she was probably washing up in there, something she would have never needed to do had Cottonelle been around. You also could have easily traded two oxen for a 1,000 boxes of wipes.
2) Taco Bell-Self-explanatory.
3) Playing a sport in a wooded area where there are no bathrooms, like golf, tennis, or baseball. Without going into graphic detail (think laxative scene in Dumb and Dumber), there were more than enough times in my life while playing a sport where there NO BATHROOMS that I could have used the Cottonelle wipes. Nothing is worse than feeling like your intestines are Ultimate Fighting and you have nothing to use.
4) Lawyer in Jurassic Park-Everyone remembers when the lawyer in Jurassic Park runs into the bathroom because he’s sees the T-Rex and Jeff Goldblum says, “When you gotta go, you gotta go.” He never would have left the car and gotten ferociously eaten had he had the wipes.
5) William Howard Taft-I shudder to think what our fattest president was using after he went to the bathroom. Shudder.
6) Traveling-This wipes are great for taking planes, trains or long road trips for several reasons. First of all many people hate using the gas station bathroom and I call those people “clean.” Going to the bathroom in a gas station is like going to the bathroom in a graffiti rust swamp. The same is also true for train rides and planes, as the flushing sound in a airplane sounds like a missile just shot down your bowels.
The list can go on! But keep checking in with us at #LetsTalkBums and make sure to join the conversation on Cottonelle’s Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/cottonelle.
Guys today marks (not in crap) my first day as a brand ambassador for Cottonelle butt wipes. If this sounds gross to you, congratulations because you are the only human being who doesn’t have to drop the ole number two. You are either an alien life form, or a person who knowingly got their butt sewn shut because of that you probably work at the circus or a country club. In either case, I’m not that excited to meet and if I do, I might throw up.
I am excited to be a brand ambassador for Cottonelle #LetsTalkBums campaign and yes I support this campaign. This is not different than many other campaigns in that it involves the smell of sh*t. I also can resoundingly support Cottonelle’s Disposable Wipes for several reasons. Number one, actually this list should start at Number Two. Number two, they are disposable. Already this is a forward-thinking company, and if they were not disposable, I would probably not be on board, and we would have to harken back to the old days of using leaves and lumberjack’s beards.
Some of Cottonelle’s products also feature a tiny puppy on the package. I for one want to make sure everyone knows that Cottonelle does not support wiping your butt with a puppy. And come on, if they do, that’s a pretty great image. So again check it out on Twitter as #LetsTalkBums, and Cottonelle’s Clean Routine on Facebook. Also, documentary filmmaker Cherry Healey is making some funny Cottonelle videos on YouTube. Here we go!!
Check out Cherry Healey’s First Cottonelle Video Here:
BY Brendan Fitzgibbons, Comedian and Researcher
It’s outdoor concert season! We all know the rule that you should never wear a band’s T-shirt to their concert. (I did this once at a U2 show, and my sister almost cried.) But this week, I’ll give you a dude’s perspective on what a girlshould wear to a summer concert.
The first and most important step in dressing for concerts is: take a shower. Once you do that, you’re already in better shape than most outdoor concertgoers, unless you tend to bathe in Frisbees and stale incense that you bought from the back of an unmarked van. Next, dress according to the genre of music you are seeing. Let’s say you are seeing a folk band such as the Lumineers, Avett Brothers or Mumford and Sons: you can’t go wrong with a clean denim vest, a fun skirt and some subtle jewelry.
Just make sure you don’t dress up exactly like the band; like at a Kiss concert, maybe don’t paint your face and scare children. Also, be very careful what clothes you buy at a concert. If you’re at a really hippie show do not—I repeat, do not—buy any clothes that are in quotation marks, like “Invisible Rainbow Jackets.” These are not real and could be code for drugs—or worse, hacky sacks.
RHINESTONE & STUD DENIM VEST, $23, FOREVER21.COM
Brendan Fitzgibbons and Lance Weiss for Lucky Magazine!